Dear Emma,

We're a year away from our wedding and I'm worrying about our guests. Some will be members of my family who are still coming to terms with the fact I want to marry my partner, some are people from work who know I'm gay but only know me as my "work-mode" self and some are from our social life and are really full-on and love a big party. Whenever my partner picks out something really flamboyant, like some of the entertainment we were thinking of, I just worry about what my family will think, and whether my mates at work will be weird with me when I'm back from the honeymoon. But when I try and say something to my partner, he gets sulky and says that I don't care about what he wants.

Help. Please!

G

Dear G,

Wow, that's a tough one. I can see where you're coming from, and to a certain extent, everyone can run into issues like this with any kind of wedding, gay or straight.

I think that one of the most important things you need to do as soon as possible is tell your other half how worried you are about this. If you haven't told him, he might just think you're being unreasonable and blocking him at every turn. Talking it through will also take the power away from it; when we let it fester inside it can seem so much bigger than it actually is.

I can understand you not wanting to upset anyone – but they may not be as upset as you think, and at the end of the day it's your wedding, not theirs. If you want to arrive in a giant pink swan carriage (I have actually seen one at a gay wedding fayre) that is entirely up to you, and has nothing to do with being gay or not. Look at the Barbie weddings people have, or Star Wars weddings – all of those people are celebrating their day in exactly the way they want.

If you really can't stand the thought of anything "too gay" if there is such a thing, you could reach a compromise by keeping anything a bit risqué to your stag night, or keep entertainment that some might not like in another room that people can choose to enjoy or not.

I think most wedding guests are happy as long as they can see how happy you are, if there is nice food and drink, and something to dance to in the evening. If your taste differs from theirs, that's fine, and if they judge you unfairly for it on your own wedding day, then I wouldn't worry about that at all – that's more a problem to do with who they are, rather than how you choose to celebrate one of the happiest occasions in your lives.

I hope that helps, and good luck!

Em x

Dear Emma,
I have been asked to be a best woman at a male gay wedding. I am at a loss to what to say or what is the best way to go about it. I don't know what my duties are as I don't know if I am a best man or best maid, if you know what I mean… any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks,

J

Dear J,
I can understand that this may seem a bit daunting, but there is a simple solution; ask the couple! Arrange a time to go over to their place, have a cup of tea and ask them what they'd like you to do. I would imagine that they'll want you to be the equivalent of a best man, in that asking someone to be best woman indicates a high status of attendant, and it's the kind of role that a couple would ask someone to take on.

I would make a list of all of the traditional duties of a best man and a maid of honour and use those as a starting point. It's likely that they'll be depending on you to be an emotional rock during the day, and to make a speech, they may also want you to arrange the stag do. It also depends on the type of wedding they are having. If it's a grand affair, they may need you to fulfil other duties such as taking care of the guests, helping to marshal people for photos etc.

We have information on traditional roles for straight weddings on our sister site. Take a look at: Traditional roles for the best man and traditional roles for the chief bridesmaid.

I hope that helps and that you all have a wonderful day!

Emma

Dear Emma

I live in the UK, and am in a serious relationship with a girl from America. We see each other as often as we can afford and plan on entering a civil partnership after I graduate from University. That wouldn't be for another 2 years, but I'm trying to get as much research done as possible. I know we have to apply to the local Registry office, but what rights would our partnership have if we wanted to move back to America together? Any advice you can give would be helpful.

Name withheld to protect privacy

Hi,
I'm impressed; I've heard of planning a year or eighteen months in advance but 2 years shows real forward thinking!

In short, it depends on where you want to live (I guess your partner's place of residence is a big factor there) because civil-partnerships are only recognised by law in a small number of US states. As this changes often, check with the state you plan to live in.

Even if same-sex marriage is recognised in your future home state, it may not extend to civil partnerships solemnized abroad. You may have to re-marry there to have your union recognised, and Massachusetts for example has residency rules that you'd have to take a serious look at before you could do that.

Things are changing in America with regards to same-sex partnerships and legal recognition of them all the time. You can keep up to date with the developments in our News section , and that will also give you a flavour of just how hot a topic it is over there. Who knows what will have changed in two years time? Let's keep our fingers crossed that one day people won't ever have to ask this question again.

Emma

As if organising a wedding wasn't stressful enough, many gay couples find a whole extra layer of difficulties added to the civil partnership planning process.

Sometimes it's a member of the family, or an important friend of the family, who is struggling with the concept of gay marriage and is causing ructions. Sometimes simply the announcement of the engagement has caused a rift and there are arguments about who will be attending and who won't.

We have spoken to gay couples who are simply overwhelmed by the choice available to them when hundreds of years of tradition aren't dictating their celebrations.

And sometimes it has nothing to do with gay marriage at all. People are people, and people have problems, fears and worries regardless of their sexuality.

Whatever the problem you face, if it has something to do with your civil partnership ceremony and celebrations, we'll endeavour to help. Simply get in touch with us through the contact page and we will turn our minds to it. We will publish the answer in this section of the blog in the hope that it will help other couples too, along with a de-personalised version of your question. We will never reveal your name, contact details or any details that would make it possible for anyone to know it's you.

Something on your mind? Let us know…